17/4/18

My friends, today has been quite atrocious.

I mean, in terms of my productivity, I suppose it’s been decent, I got a lot of revision done, but in terms of my mental state and well-being, it has been a downward spiral.

I am feeling a general sense of sadness and all-around resignation. The work will not stop. I constantly have things to be doing and it’s not even like it’s one task that I can complete, because revision is ongoing and constant. That’s the problem with revision: you never know where to stop! How much more do I do? Have I done enough? How does what I’ve done compare to other people? How does what I’ve learnt compare to other people? If I were to do a test on this tomorrow would I be okay?

My French mock on Thursday is really stressing me out, not just because I have barely learnt my IRP, but also because I need to go over every single topics vocab and have some facts ready on them because anything could come up on the discussion task. It is just not doable, unfortunately. I will have to go over all the topics very rapidly but I don’t want to put some half-hearted effort in, despite it being a mock.

For my other mocks next week I am not even nearly ready, but I think worrying about that after Thursday will be better, because I just need to take everything one at a time and slow down.

Something I’ve been meaning to do for so long is organise my desk because it’s so messy and I think it’s only exacerbating my feeling of disorganisation, and making me feel worse about myself. Most of the time I don’t mind the mess, but it’s really getting to me right now. I counted up to about 14 folders I have perched in various nooks of my room containing college work from this year and last year, all sorts of modules blending together to form the strangest chaos.

Taking it one thing at a time though. Organising is one of my priority items but I think I will have to do that on Thursday, after college because I intend to cram for French speaking tomorrow. As soon as that mock is over, it’ll be all hands on deck for the other mock exams.

Normally I try to maintain an upbeat attitude despite my academic life going up in flames around me, but for some reason, today has just exhausted me. I stayed in college till around 4 anyways, despite having finished officially since half 10. In all honesty, as funny as this sounds, I think seeing other people revising so hard and getting things done while I procrastinated and struggled was even worse! However, I cannot deny that I’ve been revising for a long, long time. As much as I say that it’s not enough, I know it’s something and I know it will come in handy eventually. I cannot berate my studying so much because it’s a discredit to myself and the truth is, I have worked hard, and I intend to work hard for these exams, so I feel off but of course the proof will be in the grades.

My study goals for tomorrow are:
– Work through French speaking topics and make as many notes as possible including vocab and cultural context
– Maybe go through biology flashcards in my free time

I am just hoping that I can get through these next few weeks until study leave starts because we’ve not finished the content in any subject and it seems to me that we’ll have very little time to revise afterwards, but I don’t really want that. I prefer to revise by myself.

A few more weeks, my friends! We must persevere and keep working away at things, one at a time. Try not to let it overwhelm you, as I fear it has done to me today.

Thank you all for reading, I hope your life it going very well. I wish you get through any hardships you are facing and make those goals happen!

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