10/5/18 and 11/5/18

She is back, bigger and better than ever. Buckle up, my friends, this is going to be a long one.

So I didn’t write on Thursday night, which was not because I forgot, but instead I made the active decision to not write. That was due to the fact it was nearing 2am when I’d finished all my work and I couldn’t deal with a 7am wake-up on such little sleep- I applaud those of you who can, but I am simply not one of those people.

Thursday was not particularly great for me. I really thought I’d sweep it under the rug and essentially tell you all that maybe I’d explain one day, but I know I would never get round to it, and I think it’s quite cathartic spilling your guts to such a transient audience (read: total strangers).

I snapped on Thursday, you guys.

Basically, it was just not my day from the get-go, I could sense it from the early morning. My eyes kept drooping shut during my first lesson and I was confident that I would not be able to make it through to my last lesson, four whole hours after my first. I couldn’t do it. In a moment of weakness, or perhaps strength, considering my stubborn nature, I made my mind up solidly that I would go home. I decided I’d stay behind to do a little bit of work and get some revision done, but I’d leave half way through the day. That was the plan, until a wave of emotion rocked me and I ended up having a complete and utter breakdown right in college. Sounds a bit dramatic, but I can’t even explain to you the extent to which I could not stop crying. I think I scared my friend a little bit, but bless her soul, she offered me her whole chocolate bar, insisting I take it and it will make me feel better. I refused, obviously, but it highlighted in my mind that I have met some people in college who I admire to the highest degree and love so much, not just because of their compassion but their general aura too.

So my other friend took me for a long walk around college, I ranted to her and she reassured me in any way she could with me repeating “I don’t know why I’m crying, I’m serious. I have no reason to be crying but I am.” Once again, I have never felt more blessed to be surrounded by such kindhearted, genuine, adoring people and I feel like I could never explain my love in adequate words for them. We ate chips. I cried some more. We sat on a bench in the sun. I cried even more. We tried to talk about other things and would you believe, I still couldn’t stop crying!

It was messy. Truly not something I ever wanted my friends to witness or deal with, but I just couldn’t stop once I’d started. I think the overwhelming weight of everything got a little bit too much and instead of going home, where I’d have to deal with my parents, I opted to stay in college and make it through my last lesson one way or another. It went fine though, and I was okay. I did manage to sort myself out before my lesson and my mental breakdown reached an end eventually.

That is the story of Thursday. I ended up coming home and having the longest, most soul crushingly long nap ever to forget the day had even happened, and ended up working early into the morning to finish everything. I couldn’t even tell you the work I did but it was just necessary homework stuff and I think a focus on the emotional aspect was more important in this case.

Today, however, I was totally fine. I stayed behind after college and completed two biology past papers for component 1, which was actually something I was glad to have done, seeing as biology feels like a heavy burden on my shoulders at the minute, and I did another one when I got home. I can’t lie, I’ve not done much else since I’ve been home, but I didn’t have a nap either, which is good I guess.

I am really hoping tomorrow will be a productive day because next week is going to be a very busy one for me. I have my Component 1 biology mock on Tuesday, my real French speaking exam on Wednesday and then a chemistry Paper 3 mock on Thursday. I imagine we’ll also be having a statistics mock in maths at some point but I really hope that will be the week after because I simply cannot deal with exam after exam, it feels like a whole new mock week for crying out loud.

My study goals for tomorrow are:
– Complete more biology past paper questions and mark/correct them
– Consolidate certain difficult biology topics
– Do some F325 papers for chemistry
– Do a C2 past paper in preparation for my resit exam

That’s it I think, but it’s very broad and I know I will spend a lot of time on each of these tasks tomorrow, particularly for biology and chemistry. I printed off five or six F325 past papers today so I need to get to work on them. In terms of the biology topics I need to consolidate, I’m going to place a focus on the reactions of respiration and photosynthesis seeing as these can require very specific details, in accordance with the exam board. Though I did start watching some videos on respiration earlier today and I think the jigsaw pieces are finally clicking together in my head! Nothing more satisfying than finally understanding things well enough to be able to explain them to others.

As is the usual Saturday plan, I’m heading to the library nice and early tomorrow and hopefully I can get a few solid hours of good revision done.

Concerning the rest of my life, things have been going alright. I am really enjoying podcasts at the minute! So many interesting things to listen to and it’s quite convenient that I’m getting into them at this point because Ramadan is coming and I avoid listening to music during Ramadan so podcasts will be the perfect alternative! On that note, I also have to mention that I’m very excited for Ramadan and the month is synonymous with good memories for me, so I think it will be a very peaceful and spiritual time to slow down and reflect and stop panicking so much about everything going on.

Also someone from Twitter seems to be reading my blog quite regularly and I’m not sure who it is! I have my blog linked in my bio and almost everyday these past few days I’ve had a view from Twitter so someone seems to be viewing my blog from there repeatedly but no one has mentioned it to me, so I’m not sure who it could be.

I think I will wrap up for today, as this is probably my longest post and it is getting quite late again now. Honestly, one of these days I need to sort out my sleeping routine! I hope you have been well and staying emotionally aware. It is okay to have a breakdown if you need it! Don’t bottle it all up and end up snapping like I did, please, it’s not good for anyone! Thank you so much for reading!

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